


lost and found

by shogo



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Codependency, Dom/sub Undertones, Drabble, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 14:55:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shogo/pseuds/shogo
Summary: it’s fate’s tendency to play unfairly





	lost and found

“I love you.” He murmured softly, desperation creeping into the edges of his tone. Golden eyes were staring at him intently, sorrow and something akin to regret lurking within the irises.

Shiny swallowed and took his hands carefully. Cautiously. “That’s not something you’re capable of.” He said mechanically, the words dry and practiced. 

This whole thing was wrong, so so wrong. He swallowed again, his throat tight and constricted. There was an unfamiliar pressure behind his eyes, and it took that old reserve of strength to keep himself from giving into the tears.  
  
It was so unfair.  
  
Shogo gasps, a soft, barely perceptible sound escaping him. Or maybe Shinya imagined it. Imagines all of it. All the small characteristics and actions, and will see and hear and ignore certain things in a frenzied and last ditch attempt to humanize the other man.  
  
The albino lowers his head, fingers curling tighter around Shinya’s own. It was such an innocent gesture, a request almost. So unlike all the blood and sins that stained him down to the bone, past that angelic facade.  
  
Shiny felt his chest squeeze a little tighter as he thought about that and felt a bitter taste in his mouth. This wasn’t right, something had gone very, awfully wrong. Somewhere, somehow, the two of them had been cheated.  
  
Shogo is silent for several long moments, only the soft movement of his fingers brushing over Shinya’s giving up that he was even awake. Shinya slowly realizes that Shogo isn’t planning on saying anything more, he’s said his part of the argument. The same part he’s had for years in this stupid twist of fate that they’d become ensnared in.  
  
It wasn’t fair. For Shinya to keep playing the card he did when the two of them got like this. But he’d run out of other arguments, the bitter resentment he’d once felt at Shogo now ebbing into a hollow, numb sort of pain. He didn’t like stirring up the past anymore, didn’t like the fresh waves of guilt and sour sting of grief. He’d instead begun practicing on forgetting everything from his past life. And it was easy to forget. Easy than it should be to imagine that everything that had happened- everything Shogo had done- hadn’t really ever happened at all.  
  
Shinya bit it all back and instead threaded their fingers together until their palms were laid flat to each other. Shogo’s hand was cold, like it always was, and somehow that always provided a strange sense of comfort to Shinya. These small little things that put cracks in his perfect armor. Shogo was always cold it seemed. His skin as cool as the marble it resembled.  
  
He brought their hands to his lips and brushed them over Shogo’s knuckles. He wasn’t sure what- or who- the gesture was for. If it was for comfort or an apology or a sorrowful reminder.  
  
Shogo made another soft noise but he remained where he was. A soft choked sound as things continued to fall apart around them.  
  
“You know this.” Shinya told him quietly, in a voice that could’ve been considered gentle if it were anybody else. Or perhaps if it were in any other lifetime but this one.  
  
Shogo remained silent. He was almost timid like this. Or demure at the very least. He was good at that; at ducking behind masks that hid who he really was.  
  
Shinya had learned long ago to not be fooled.  
  
When Shogo leans forward to kiss him, for a brief second Shinya considers pulling away. He doesn’t though, never does. It had been difficult in the beginning to resist and had now become nearly unthinkable.  
  
So Shinya lets Shogo brush their lips together, lets the other man pull himself closer to Shinya. He lets Shogo tighten his grip on his hand into an almost bruising hold, as if he was scared Shinya would somehow slip away and never come back.  
  
“I love you.” Shogo suddenly says again, this time almost as a whisper. Shinya could hear things laced in his tone, feelings and nuances that sliced into him with a vicious cruelty and once again he had to forcibly remind himself just why things had to be this way.    
  
Shinya opens his mouth to respond but is swiftly cut off again as Shogo continues in that same desolate tone, “You can love a monster you know.” He murmured, leaning forward to brush their lips together again. “And it’s not all that impossible for the monster to love you back.”  
  
“That doesn’t change its character.” Shinya whispered back, running a finger over Shogo’s jaw. Pale lashes flicker at him. “Or what they’ve done.”  
  
Shogo makes another sound and abruptly makes a move to pull away. Shinya quickly snatches at his wrists, effectively keeping him here on the bed at his side. They sit there in silence, Shogo tensed and his hands twitching under Shinya’s own.  
  
Finally, “You cannot protect yourself from sadness,” Shogo quoted suddenly, softly.“without protecting yourself from happiness.”  
  
“Stop that!” Shinya snaps, sitting up quickly and keeping Shogo pinned down against the bed. “Stop that.”  
  
Shogo stares at him blankly, golden eyes pale before he turns his head to stare off to the side.  
  
Shinya grits his teeth, resisting the urge to shake the other man. He was so childish. His arguments were repetitive and he was terribly stubborn. He’d gotten it into his head that he was right about something that couldn’t possibly be sorted into such black and white thinking.  
  
He forces himself to calm down, breathing heavily through his nose as he carefully loosens his grip on Shogo. Fighting never led to anything but a bitter taste and aching, bloody limbs. They would tear each other apart every time without a second thought, only stopping afterwards to lament what they’d brought upon themselves.  
  
It was a vicious, abusive cycle.  
  
Shinya wondered why he stayed sometimes, why either of them stayed.  
  
There were no shackles (anymore), there was no misplaced loyalty that one had in the other. There weren’t any rules out here, so far away from the only place they’d ever known. There was nothing keeping them bound here, to each other.  
  
Maybe in another life they would’ve been happy, Shinya thinks to himself near constantly. Maybe in another life they would’ve fallen in love the right way; not in a twisted, codependent excuse for a relationship.  
  
“If they’re not your words don’t say them.” Shinya said. And those were words that he’d said before, repeated sometimes it felt like endlessly. “You lose yourself too easily.”  
  
Shogo doesn’t respond. He never does. He keeps his head turned and face blank. There’s a slight tick in his jaw, barely perceptible. Something always gives him away.  
  
Shinya swallows, the thick, cloudy feeling in his throat nearly suffocating him. “I’m not doing this to punish you.” He says, and he can hear the desperation curling into his own words. He shouldn’t even have to be doing this. Not when it’s so clear that the two of them were fated to each other, whether it be for the better or for the worse.  
  
“Then why are you?”  
  
Shogo had turned back to look at him. His face was so blank, a perfectly crafted mask from years and years of pretending to be a normal part of the rest of the world when he was anything but.  
  
Shinya ached, but he didn’t know who it was for. There was too much pain between the two of them, too much history. There were too many whose blood had spilled for the two of them to be here together and it was a terrible, sickening thing that they should ever be happy when there were so many out there who demanded justice.  
  
So he continued doing what he’d always done.  
  
Shinya released his grip on one of Shogo’s wrists, sure to keep the other one locked in a vice grip lest he try and bolt away for good. He trailed his now free hand to cup under Shogo’s jaw, the smooth skin there nearly silken against his fingers.  
  
Shinya continued to be cruel.  
  
Shogo exhaled shakily and closed his eyes. His eyes always betrayed him. They were too open, too wide to keep his intentions and thoughts hidden away.  
  
(Sometimes Shinya liked to think that in another life, there were things in those eyes other than cynicism and cold malice.)  
  
“I’m not doing this to punish you.” Shinya says again. Even if he can no longer tell if he even believes the words himself.  
  
“Then don’t do it.” Shogo breathes and turns to nuzzle into Shinya’s palm. “You don’t always have to do the noble thing.”  
  
“No,” Shinya agrees, “but I do have to do the right thing.”  
  
Shogo is quiet. “Even when the rest of the world doesn’t?”  
  
“Especially then.”  
  
Shogo opens his eyes then to look at him. His eyes are flicking over Shinya’s face, trying to read something, anything that would give him away.  
  
Shinya pauses and leans down to brush his lips over Shogo’s in a way that could almost be considered chaste. “You know that I can’t forget about them.” He murmurs against Shogo’s mouth.  
  
Shogo inhales sharply, his jaw working as he again turns his face away from Shinya. He doesn’t try to break away though, knows that that wouldn’t resolve this. He continues to lie beneath Shinya like a broken doll, the fight gone from him.  
  
“I know.” Shogo said after a moment. “I know that.” He repeats, this time more to himself than to Shinya.  
  
Shinya kisses him again, lingering this time. He slides his hand up from Shogo’s jaw and into his hair. It’s soft, slipping through his fingers as he meticulously winds the strands around his knuckles. Shogo sighs against his mouth and goes pliant against him, his body no longer tensed to flee.  
  
Shinya slides his tongue over Shogo’s lips. Shogo shakily sighs but opens up without hesitation, bringing his free hand up to run lightly along Shinya’s jaw, his nails scraping just so over the skin. Shinya huffs and presses closer to lick into his mouth, nip at his lips, suck at them until they’re bruised red and swollen and whatever it is that’s making Shogo act so terribly unconventional melt out of thought into the pile of things that they’ve silently agreed to never discuss.  
  
Shogo makes a soft noise amidst his ministrations, as vocal of a partner as he is, and Shinya can feel his body begin to twist beneath his own as he tries to regain control over the situation between them. There is heat now between them, bodies moving slick against and Shogo’s cold skin quickly becoming feverish under his touch. Shinya was sure that if he pulled away to look that the pale skin would almost certainly be flushed a lovely pink.  
  
Shinya releases his grip on Shogo’s wrist then and instead lets his hand press into the mattress near the other man’s head, effectively caging him while no longer pinning him. It sinks into the soft foam below, springs groaning weakly in protest at the disturbance.

“This isn’t how things are supposed to be.” He hears himself say, voice breathless and desperate with the last few shreds of his self control. “I don’t want this.”

He sees something almost akin to sadness flicker in those golden eyes, there for a heartbeat and gone in an instant. Maybe it had never even existed, a shred of fantasy Shinya imagined to make Shogo more human.

“That’s a pity.” Shogo sighs, and no, you can’t imagine that hollow tone lacing through his words. “We’d make a wonderful team you know, together or apart.”

He was tragically beautiful in the way cast off angels were always depicted. The empty eyes and bruised lips. None of it was fair.

Shinya feels that tight constriction in his throat; the suffocating, pressing feeling that he’s made some terrible mistake. “I know that.” He says mechanically. Of course he knew. There wasn’t any doubt that the two of them could accomplish great things.

Shogo smiled, reaching up to loop an arm around Shinya’s neck and pull them closer together. “Of course you do.” He murmured against Shinya’s lips before sealing their mouths together once again.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://deadroses.co.uk)


End file.
